Lolz...pervert me!

I sooooo had to write this blog and there are many reasons why... My brain is so composed of absolutely arbitrary thoughts almost all the time...like right now I am looking at these 3 Chinese guys who are sitting in the library on one single table with their heads completely immersed in one laptop and after every few minutes they jump out of their chairs with their fists tight and shouting an excited 'yessssssssssssssssss' and then obviously followed by a 'chi chi chi chi' and I am wondering what are they watching :)

Then I realised I have some sensor fitted in my head like those fitted outside shops to prevent shop lifting which creates an irritating noise, because whenever i see a good looking guy, some circuit is triggered and beeeep beeeepppp beeeeeppppp goes the alarm in my head followed by a single strip of red light - scanning the guy ;P

I hit upon this video of a song titled ' you are my number one' by Enrique and seriously ya...just giving the lyrics of the song a second thought rather a second 'dirty' thought...I burst out laughing! OK the main lines of the song go like...

You bring me 'up' when I am feeling down
You touch me 'deep' you touch me 'right'
You do the 'things' I have never done
You make me wicked, You make me 'wild

p.s : i thereby bask in the glory of a self proclaimed happiness

Life - a fast forwarded 'rewind'

To summarize it, currently my life revolves around Newton's first law.

My brain, life, body, soul, existence, identity...everything that has to do with me is at rest and all forces fail to put it into some sort of an action. Its like standing gazing at the world full of activity through a thick glass wall...I can see it clearly, all the colours yet its through a glass, I know there is noise on the other side but numbness of vacuum is all i hear. Feels like I have been tranquilized by the serenity of silence...but does one 'feel' an experience or its just a happening that merely takes place.

Random co-existence of thoughts, juvenile ideas, abortion of ideas to blossom into actions, hybrid mental blockage, significantly developed failures, rapid retardation...life is all but forward.

Am living monotonous procrastination to its fullest.

Oh what a Bitch!

Handsomely bored and honestly bugged , I read through the times of India Delhi edition and predictable of Sunday times, an article has to exist on the rising woman power in India. Hence in one of such articles I discovered the motivation to write this blog - A Mumbai based journalist’s blog on sex in a woman’s life. I must appreciate that the blog was extremely well framed and boldly written but what interested me more was that it further confirmed my belief in the fact that being a ‘bitch’ is one religion that all women follow ardently. Discussing the guidelines and principles of this religious belief can be highly controversial and worth debating over but solely, the religion recognises and affirms faith in female goddess - the goddess which resides within the heart of every female and no particular deity has to be followed but the goddess’s incarnations modify from decades to decades revolutionising the disciples’ thoughts and actions from time to time ….Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie, Jenifer Annis ton, Katrina kaif…the goddess’s names across the countries varies. This religion knows no boundaries and is worshipped secretly by every woman across the globe. The true idols, the pillars of the religion might vary according to the location of the follower, but the secret aspiration to be like one of the goddesses’ remains the same…the inspiration is the driving force. So, to begin with, I am not "suggesting' that every woman is a bitch, I 'believe' in it.

The Mantra -

And surprisingly enough, as follower of the religion she would show affinity towards a fellow follower and recognises an associate ‘bitch’ too and for sure, would love to call another respected member a ‘bitch’ with pride and at times as a gesture signifying mere affection. Addressing another female as a bitch, well, don’t misjudge, its a chanting mantra of the religion, the way to attain mental peace…a way of doing ‘sadhna’ and so much more….

Ask a woman, how important the word ‘bitch’ becomes ever since she attains that age to understand the truly wonderful meaning of the word…it brings pleasure to every woman when she is obligated to use the word in situations difficult to handle…it’s the word which when recited can bring a truly ‘heartfelt’ peace in the hearts of many women…just a single word can provoke violence vice verse can cool down the boiling temperatures within a female’s ‘angry, head….the word has ‘yogic’ properties- when enchanted is immediately followed by deep breathing leading to peace of body and soul…has healing properties for a healthy woman’s heart (helps in pumping the blood faster).

And well enough, no rituals have to be followed and no hard work has to be done in adopting the religion…so, ‘just be yourself’ is the tag line of the religion.

To adopt the religion – the cycle of ‘Karma’

That’s the easiest task. To become a disciple a woman has to do nothing and one day she realizes that she automatically has become one

• In school when pimples and braces define your beauty and mom does not let you wax your legs and do your eyebrows, when folding your socks down and wearing short tunics too fails to attract attention…and there is this girl in school who is pretty and in her lies the interest of all guys…the school of learning begins right there…the pretty girl is proclaimed as a ‘bitch’.

Once the foundation stone has been laid in the young minds, with hearts ignited, the learning goes forever till death does them apart.

• You are a sexy hot-bod, a fellow friend not so great looking but with brains…secretly she is a bitch

• Hot babe with great brains, super cool boyfriend …automatic promotion -Super bitch!
• Fellow colleague finished her work before you did…Oh what a bitch!

• Your boyfriends’ eyes drool over to some random female in a crowded place…the random female does not even realise….she just opened her own gateways by being called a ‘bitch’

“You win you lose…you are ugly or beautiful...you rise or fail...you are anointed as the disciple of the religion anyways by a fellow follower”

Secretly, the word has the sacred authority of defining woman power - after all Ekta Kapoor’s business thrives on this (she uses religion for her personal benefit. Ah!) …her saas bahu thi serials define and manifest the bitching religion 'Saas bhi bahu ki tarah ‘bitch’ thi', 'Kasauti ‘bitching’ ki, 'Kahani har ‘bitch ki, etc etc…and yeah, the grandmother of all - Sex n the city…now whats that!!!!!!!!

It’s like some sort of the holy gospel from the goblet of which women have been drinking from for centuries now… as a matter of example, Cleopatra - the great ‘achiever’, all the female protagonist in the Sydney Sheldon novels…

Even the great 'mean' men believe that there lies a ‘bitchy’ secret in every woman’s closet…it’s a cherished glory every woman basks in smiling to herself a ‘clandestine’ smile.

Oh ya, by the way, there are ‘male’ followers too…but it will take few decades for them to rise against the conventions of the society and admit to being ‘bitches’.

And after reading this my score on being a bitch would shoot up…now what am I or for that matter you being?

P.S : Man, I feel like a woman ;)

One fine morning...

Rare that the shutter of my eyes fluttered that early in the morning...strange that the bio mechanics of my body began work 4-5 hrs prior than its regular office opening hours...and highly unusual that the joint venture of all sorts of energy levels pushed me to even look at the watch at 5.30 am! And i was surprised to find myself smiling - a happy satisfied smile. For the past few months, 'wake ups' at any damn time of the day have been grumpy and sad, reason being - the failure to recognize the purpose of the day: basically nothing to look forward to.

Still in bed I wondered, contemplated for long over what could be the reason for this continued smile. Was it just the dawn dawning upon me or some classified reason which kept on riding the roller coaster of my thoughts again n again. Whatever it maybe, I felt good smiling ... just like that. The kind of smile that made me feel blessed with the shear comfort of my pillow under my head and the warmth of the blanket I was cozily tucked under...I felt pampered by the whole goodness of my bed and felt supported by the strength of the wall next to my bed :)

Maybe this was just an existence of the extraordinary happiness in the midst of my ordinary life...maybe it was just a folly...maybe i never paid attention before...maybe its that virtue of contentment which defies the gravity of the conventional...maybe just a fictitious mental communion...maybe its actually nothing more than just another 'maybe'...

I recall it as my 'magical moment' -without the mountains and the fields and no stars and angels around me...some sort of magic which happened right here on my bed...right next to my alarm clock which has the ultimate potential to end all magical worlds...I smiled a 'smirky' smile again.

P.S : ' I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep...'

I am no better than an Indian 'domestic' monkey...

This is the reason why I could not come up with a blog for more than a month now...

Read this - Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player, was dying of cancer. He received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed, "Why did God have to select you for such a bad disease?" To this Ashe replied, "the world over, 5 crore children start playing tennis, 50 lakh learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the Grand Slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi finals, 2 to the finals.

When I was holding a Cup, I never asked GOD, "Why me?"
And today in pain, I should not be asking GOD, "why me?"

Whoa!!!!!!!!!!! Now the above paragraph is similar to a million other stuff i read over the last one month....I mean "GAWD" stuff..serious, touching, "aawwwwwwww" things, sensible and all the heavy stuff...and I was convinced rather believed that it is important to be able to think "seriously"and i even tried to write a heavily loaded blog ...but Aghast..what was the result...clearly I am not programmed to think seriously and I actually made a note rather a list of how 'seriously' i take 'serious' things....

• when it rains, instead of thinking how beautiful the day is, how amazing the breeze is (like ideally portrayed in a romantic bollywood song or like the thinkers think about it) all that makes me happy is that I would be able to jump in a puddle on the road or probably drive through one and splash water on others.
  

• I somehow have no fascination for sunrise or sunset and instead of admiring the warmth of the winter sun, all i feel like doing is giving sun a tight slap so that it would somehow shut up its heat....and whats with the beauty of the blue sky and blue ocean, I would any day find throwing 'blue' ink on someones white t-shirt more beautiful (since anyways, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder :P)

• and this is best, whenever I see or meet infinite 'sweet' or adorable kids, I can NEVER come up with an "Awwwwwww shooooo 'shhhhweeeet" expression...I would prefer to pinch them on their arms or bums and run away while their moms are not watching :P
  

• I cannot bring myself to think seriously about the threat of terrorism on humanity rather I day dream about working with a terrorist organization...how exciting..hiding somewhere in the tora-bora mountain range (i hope a mountain range like that exists!)... working on very challenging projects with maybe Lashkar-e-toiba...designing highly complexed risk management and business contingency plans for them (well, thats what my degree has taught me to do!)...wear jazzy business suits ( probably hidden under a burkha :O) and go to office with location of offices changing every 15days...wow! (P.S - well, to my friends I am a full fledged terrorist organization in myself)

- I seek pleasure in walking down to the beach on a chilled winter night without sufficient warm clothing and then coming back home and digging my absolutely frozen palms on amrita's neck and she shrieks! what fun!

6. while writing this i felt hungry and opened a namkeen ka packet from both sides with so much force that the aloo bhujia was all on my face and ya I have no shame in admitting that after every single munch of namkeen, i conveniently wiped my hands on my denims and even brushed namkeen off my palms right on my laptop! - I need technical training at doing simple things - I suck! ( now please dont get your pervert heads thinking!)

- I am such a pathetic swimmer that I can barely keep myself afloat but still i conveniently boast how much i "LOwwwe" swimming...(I only go for a swim when nobody else is in the pool to save myself the embarrassment of splashing water in other people's eyes and throwing gallons of water outside the pool), but mind you, I keep up the hard work at swimming, whatever TV memories I have of swimming competitions, I try to confidently copy all those 'swimming strokes' - end result - everyday increased quantity of chlorine water down my throat.

8. misplacing my spects, mobile, pens, car keys, dropping super haldi filled indian food on my clothes etc etc is like daily routine...I might forget to brush once, but i never ever forget to be careless.

Anyways, I am even worse lekin abhi yaad nahi aa raha. And please, dont pity my mom, I swear I was never like this as a kid, shayad i am suffering from a different kinds of AIDS jismein, instead of blood cells, 'brian cells' ka deterioration hota hai.

P.S - I like the way this blog looks, usage of nos., dots, and - s all together to mark points. I know before u did that I am arbit and random, but shrugging my shoulders i say ' kee fark painda hai'. Cheers!

My state of mind (Not responding)

Another successful day rather an effort when I make it to the library. Yes, behind my every library trip...there lies a motivational factor, motivating me enough to drag myself out of the house. And mind you, under no circumstances 'studies' is that factor. Nothing even remotely close to education can motivate me enough...I never even gave IIT entrances and CAT a thought...so you can imagine how concerned am I about education and earning a handsome salary out of it. I like the gyaan people give and have about making it to the IIMs and IIT's...but I dont even classify that gyaan as gyaan...which further proves how useless I am! BUt I respect the people who crack iit and cat entrances and hold high opinions about them (;P I better do or my love life shall suffer)

So ya the library...Every library trip i make, I follow a very strict schedule...certain tasks I stick to doing on time and without fail. Tracing back my thoughts on how special my todays' library odyssey has been so far.... Ok its quite a task finding a place in the library coz' unlike me, people come here to study and since its exam period...the places are usually filled.
After finding a comfortable place somewhere on the ground floor...I

• switch on the laptop and smile when the pop up says "Uniwide now connected"
  
• quickly have a look who is online on gtalk
• first and foremost, open orkut...feel disgusted on not finding any new scraps in last 5-6 hours....check what are the latest updates are and shrug them aside calling orkut crap!
• open facebook... (appear confident to myself that i understand how it works when i know i am as good with it as indian auntyjies with finding alphabet keys on computer keyboards)
• finally, check mails! (as usual none...no one has the time except me obviously)

what happens next is imp.... i go in a "what to do next" mode (I suffer from this condition more than often even when i have exams, 4 assignments to submit and a thesis to write...I fail to see the obvious.."study!")
Then i realise, how people have been talking about sarkaar raj...I hit on a movie download site and am totally glad to find it there....and well, as you would have predicted i download it :) (even getting into the technical details of the errors that pop out once in a while....a day for me consists of 78hrs..and i have time to waste and this just displays that i dont lack determination at all...I am determined to download this movie!)

Back to orkut..damn no new scraps now even! (the same 'damn' that you would associate with not hearing from a prospective employer)

Hear some Chinese here n there once in a while ( ch che che a chehaa chehkla chd chow chow...and even more chchchchchc)

Look at others and observe how well dressed women are and then make a mental note which dress i need to buy next and guys...they wear the best of perfumes (curse myself rather my perfumes for not being good enough)

Yippeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! My movie download is done!

Ok now am hungry.....rush to the food court but before i leave, i spread books and papers on the table just to give an impression that someone is seriously studying here (heheheh..ya right)

Now Food makes me think...lets study for a change (now thats a dangerous feeling..its soooo not me!) and I begin doing my risk assessment on a software...I smile knowing that the software would take ages to generate results and i explain myself how i can further do something worthless... I beam :) (infact an ear to ear smile) on the mere thought.

meanwhile, 2 guys next to me talk..maybe in Arabic..and yeah, i stare at them as if they just disturbed my concentration. and they actually shutup :P lolzzzz

But oh no!! OH SHIT! the software is done evaluating results...it took less rather much less than usual...and now i dont know what!!!!!!!! nothing...zilch

I yawn..look here n there...look at the watch..buzz to my house mate on gtalk, inform her about my achievement of movie download :) (no response).....rotate in my chair....push on the backrest of the chair to see how much can the chair bent backwards....yet no more scraps...play with my pen...peep below the table to see who's shoes did i hit while bending downwards in the chair....think "aaj raat ko kuch accha khana hai"....yawn again...

Well, Windows Akanksha's brain system(Not Responding)

• Ctrl+Alt+Del
• End Task.

P.S : Making grammatical mistakes is a hobby i pursue diligently

transcripts of Afghanistan

I just updated my pic...well, dont i look right from the 'Taliban' regime??? ;P Guess I have been too fascinated by how and what happens in Afghanistan...Its quite a topic I believe. After hearing about (not that America was bombarding the entire nation already torn apart by talibs) but about debates whether Aussie troops should stay there or be pulled back, after reading Khaled Hosseini's (Ref: wikipedia to get the spelling right) both the books, after seeing the bollywood flick 'kabul express', after seeing infinite discovery channel series on Afghanistan, after reading stuff about Daniel Pearls' murder (infact the word is 'slaughter'), some other books here n there and basically after reading so much about that country...I was convinced the country is in ruins and conveniently formed a barren mental picture of the place and the people. Infact, my vision of the place was so sad that all i could associate with the place was 'lots of sand' and people wearing dirty grey or mud shade colours (this just reflects that I could not associate any vividness what so ever with the country and its people).
The other day it so happened that I was sitting in the library and trying rather pretending to study...and behind me were a group of under grads chit-chatting and also discussing their assignment. A very pretty girl in their group looked Indian and since i am still of the 'desi' school of thoughts that I have to ask every indian i meet where is he/she from and what is she/ he doing....and then may be continue with the same old stuff of "oh you are from xyz place...nice.. a friend of mine is from the same xyz place...blah blah blah" Ok now getting back to the girl, when i put up the same old rotten ques 'where are you from in india? " I got an unexpected reply, ' well, i am from kabul, Afghanistan'. Whoopsi!!! a bell rang in my head...series of thoughts which then went in my head were something like in this order
-NOooooo she cant be!!!!!!
-How can she be...she is dressed up so well.
-what is she doing in sydney...and how come!
-She is soo fashionable unlike how it is supposed to be in Afghanistan!
-She is even wearing a short skirt with long boots - its not allowed!
-She is wearing Bright purple and yellow - they wear only dull colours!
-HOw come she is wearing her hair open!
-She is so smart and talkative - afghani women are supposed to be sad and timid!
-How come she is so educated!!!

bringing my sense back to her, I was quite stunned....and i behaved as if i have just at that moment met the 'Mr right' of my life! I was simply so excited to finally meet someone from the land i had read so much about...I was sooo happy and curious to have eaten her head for the next 115 minutes! Well she told me she had been in sydney only for the last 4 months and her parents were still in kabul...which just proves that by no means she could have become so hip all of a sudden just by landing in the aussie land and ya above all, she was a medical student - which stated furthermore that she was a bright girl.

I had so many queries about life in kabul and in other parts of Afghanistan that i actually ate her head with them. She laughed at me, but answered all the questions i had in my mind...at the end of the discussion, she gave me that look which said "You dumb woman, go and work upon your basic IQ..you have no freaking idea about my country....I am sure you dont even know how is it geographically placed!'. And she indeed made me feel so ignorant and unaware and most of all stupid! Infact, she kept giggling for the next 10 minutes after the discussion was over...

A million words, so many books, 1000s of people and their opinions, talks and talk shows about the atrocities of people in Afghanistan...all this for a span of last 7 years, post Kandahar hijacking episode in dec 1999...all this was successful in creating a picture which was observed by many and written about by many more - Afghanistan in turmoil. ...yet just 2hours with someone who had lived that life- washed away all the Afghanistan related data and pictures that my brain cells carried...well, she made me see and associate happiness with that land, she made me realise how people have hope and cherish good and bad times, how children dream and plan their education, how women there too love shopping and know which clothes and dressing style is in vogue...she made me associate colors like red, fuchsia and pink with Afghanistan..people aim and strive hard to establish a career and make an effort to be global citizens..boys check out girls..teenagers hang out together..late night coffee happens too...she made me live and believe in what her eyes had seen and observed...her knowledge and tastes of cookies n cakes were far better than mine...no reflection of pain or loss in her eyes just sheer happiness and pride to belong to her country...Its now that I can smile thinking about Afghanistan and imagine people going to parties and basically having a nice time...Infact then I even googled and found out that kabul has business centres and malls...Afghanistan afterall is not just barren, it has a modern life too! Thanks to her, I now believe that after a sunny day in the rains, a rainbow rises there too :)

P.S : oye yeh to serious ho gaya!

'Sense' of humour

Another morning when I drag myself out of bed and in a half asleep condition, I (as usual) promise myself to do some constructive work today and so far, i have already wasted an hour doing nothing. Here I am writing a blog again even when i put my first blog like yesterday :P (in ideal conditions people put their posts after a significant time gap...you know that way every blog looks important and the writer gives an impression how busy he or she was. Result: better impression.)
I am an Indian who has perpetually lived on nescafe' forever and here i am in firang land where infinite brands of coffee confuse me and make me wonder whats the importance of coffee in my life! Till the time i was at home, coffee was more of an additive to make the milk taste drinkable or when we would run out of bournvita supply and mom still had to make us gulp down a never ending glass of milk. But then lightening struck and 'cafe coffee days' revolutionised india.
Its at that moment (while trying to fix myself a coffee) i remember that i had forgotten to brush my teeth...and its then while being engrossed in the activity of brushing my teeth that the great thought took birth in my usually useless brain. Brushing lazily and looking at myself in the mirror I wondered (apart from also thinking how messy my hair were, what kind of hair serum must i apply, why am i wearing glasses while brushing my teeth... blah blah blah) so I wondered, how would you define the term 'sense of humour'.
Ok now since it is called a 'sense' of humour, it gotta be something serious... since the words like 'sensible', 'sensitive', 'senses' etc all have a very serious connotation attached to them, so how serious can humour be.?? Well i know for sure that it is an important characteristic trait (women want a man with a good sense of humour, often people are described as having a sense of humour.. etc etc. Maybe it has a subjective definition depending on whether you like the person or not, whether the guy is good looking or not, it just might be directly proportional to the degree of 'cuteness'... and yes, then I also want to know, how would PJ's be categorized ????

I fall into that category of 'pj' (poor jokes) cracking people. Whenever i say something, i, in most cases, find it so funny and laugh so much on it that the person in front cant even understand my words let alone the meaning of what i was trying to say. And then forever i get that ' Its NOT FUNNY' expression!!!! Infact my boyfriend laughs on the fact that my jokes are not funny!

The chain of my arbitrary thoughts end when my house mate knocks at the door making me realise that i have spent ages on the brushing activity. And when i step out of the bathroom, since my mate looks quite annoyed, I willingly make an effort to 'crack' a joke (crack..whoa! what a word..you crack CAT and IIt entrances, not jokes!) and i receive the age old expression "oh no not again" kinds....well, thats a biologically programmed 'defense mechanism' that people around me adopt to safeguard themselves from the potential danger of my jokes.

I can never make sense :(

Whoa, I am here too...i finally, after much contemplation, step on the gates of the blogging world. Writing a blog is sort of in vogue, the biggest of celebrities have their blogs...No, by no chance thats the reason why I chose to begin writing blogs....I am just a meagre me! and the reason why i finally adopted the idea is that...just the idea clicked. I like the way the word 'click' sounds...

yeah 'click'...when the breads pop out of the toaster...when your boyfriend abruptly hangs up the phone...when the electric kettle is done boiling the water...and when the 'breathalyser' is done taking your reading (infact, thats the most prominent click). well, click was also a movie, though i still wonder why it was named so! It was about a 'time remote' and as far as my knowledge is on remotes, they, under no circumstances, make a clicking noise!

so, crux of it all...do my words 'click'?????